


When I was older

by blurryfaceThalia



Category: Beyond: Two Souls, Daredevil (TV), The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: AU, Experiments, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Killing people, Mentioned Abuse, Operation Cerberus, War, mentioned rape, what even are tags
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2019-11-16 08:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18091106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blurryfaceThalia/pseuds/blurryfaceThalia
Summary: Born with a connection to a mysterious entity with incredible powers, Jodie was different. Forcibly recruited by the CIA, she gets thrown in the whole crime that war is. Being used by William Rawlins as their personal weapon, she is going on different missions and meeting her Unit-to-be.Jodie will change the storyline for Billy Russo, who never gets the chance to get involved in crimes the way he did. (Punisher/ Beyond: Two souls Crossover)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Heya, there!
> 
> I really don't know where this idea came from, but it wouldn't let go of me, so here it is. I also don't know where this is going, but I hope you will enjoy this little ride! You don't have to know anything about Beyond: Two Souls, everything important will be explained, so don't worry about that.
> 
> I just liked the idea of Billy not going off and doing stupid things (oh don't worry, he will still do stupid things, but he won't betray his best friend like he did, because what the hell.) 
> 
> Enjoy this little prolgue! Updates may be coming slow for now, but stay tuned!

 

I was born with a strange gift: the ability to see what no human being has ever seen before.  
It’s all mixed up inside my head. The images, the sounds, the smell. I need to remember. Put things in order right up to this moment. Remember who I am.  
If I had to say how it all began, I might just as well start here.

 

There is something that could be called my youth, but it doesn’t deserve the name. There’s the party, there’s the bar, and there’s the CIA. I think it’s the biggest part of my life so far, but it wouldn’t explain everything.  
There is me, and there is Aiden. That’s how it has always been. That is a fact, a truth I can’t seem to shake; but the start of this story could be anywhere.

It could be at home, the parents that grew afraid of me because of what Aiden would do. What they thought I could do, because to them, Aiden was nothing more than an imaginary friend. It could be the monsters, that attacked me night after night, when Aiden was too afraid to fight them. It could be the Department of Paranormal Activities, where I would spend most of my teen years; where they did experiments with me – the DPA was my own personal cage.  
You see, this gift as they call it, felt more like a curse my entire life; because it was always the deciding factor of what happened with me. It was never me who had the choice. I was never free.

So you can – _I can_ – understand what brought me to this point I’ll have to take you with me on this rediscovery of myself. And there is something, _someone_ , I can recall clearer than anything else. He played an important part somewhere, somewhen. But Billy Russo, _how do I know you_?


	2. Once, I was six years old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha! A chapter! Wild and free... and long, I guess. Updates will be still coming slow, because University is hell right now. If you find any mistakes in my grammar, please let me know. You can also tell me if I should make something clearer or something.  
> I hope this isn't too confusing, but I want the memories to really be mixed together, so you may have trouble putting the story together. If that's the case, just let me know.
> 
> Well, now have fun!

I was never meant to be… alone.  
Aiden had been with me since birth, he was bound to me and behaved like a caged lion. I had to suffer for that, all my life. But now, that he…

I know, one quick text message and I wouldn’t be alone anymore. He would be here in an instant, and I would wonder if he ever left. He would embrace me, and I could cry in peace. But when I think of his face, I think of the bar at the same time. I see myself, 16 years old and trying to go out; I see myself 14 years old and trying to be normal. I see myself a few years ago, with him – all mixed together. And I can’t risk these memories to merge together forever – my past should be my past, and he should be the present. Maybe even tomorrow.  
So I have to learn to live again. I need to know what happened then, and what is right now, and for that, I will write everything down. I'll try to start when I was little, but everything is a bit blurry - which one was me then, which one is later?

 

I grew up in a big house with my parents - if you want to call them that. I remember times that were happy, where _we_ as a _family_ were happy. But the same time as I became aware of Aiden, he became aware of the world – and that was the end of those good times. As weird things happened all around me, my father grew skeptical of me, first. Nobody believed in the existence of Aiden, not even my parents.  
So as soon as something weird was going on, me and “my imaginary friend” were scolded, even though I couldn’t control him. There was no controlling Aiden.  
He always did what he wanted.  
When I was six, I sneaked out on the street.

I am inside, playing with my dolls, first. We are having a little tea party, but Aiden wants to play with me. He makes my other doll move. When I don't react, he hits my other dolls with his dolls, so they couldn't attend my party anymore and only his was left. “Stop that, Aiden!”, I whined angrily. “I told you I didn’t want to play with you anymore!” I stood up, done with my dolls, and went downstairs to my mom. Naturally, she would send me outside. Apparently I didn't get enough fresh air, she said. That's kind of funny, considering she sent me to the DPA and imrprisoned me there not much later.  
The winter brought a lot of snow, and the kids next door held a snowball fight. It sounded like so much fun, so of course I joined in. Technically I wasn’t allowed to leave our property, but well – I was a stubborn kid even then.   
I can still remember the pink hat I wore.

Sneaking out wasn’t a good idea. Everything that happened next was probably the start of my life going downhill. Fast.  
I could throw the snowballs quite nice, and I hit my neighbor's kid once too often. So the boy from next door decides he wants to cream me with snow (“You’re dead, little girl!”)– but he presses it in my face, and I couldn’t breathe –

 

Suddenly I smell sweat and taste dirt. Rawlings is in front of this Unit full of men.  
“She will be your back-up. I trust that you will work together, as you have been taught. And I trust that she will act like a marine, and nothing less.”  
_He is introducing me_ , I frown. _This isn’t right. I’m not six here. Where does this memory belong?_  
Rawlings gestures to the front, and my body takes over; until I stand next to him. “My name is Jodie Holmes.” My voice sounds raspy, this is my first mission with the military, and I haven’t been with the CIA long enough to get real action, yet. I try my best so I don’t look too nervous, but the men look at me like they will swallow me whole. _Why don’t you try?,_ I change into fight-mode instantly.  
I nod again, and Rawlins excuses himself. I didn’t know it then, but he knew that I would have to hold my ground right now, if I wanted to be respected by them.

As soon as he left, there where some men in front of me. They got dangerously close, but I didn’t flinch. Men would always be dangerous to me, the incident in the bar proved that. But I wouldn’t let fear decide my fate. I would not let _men_ decide my fate. Not more than they already did, anyway.  
“Care to introduce yourselves?”, I ask with gravel in my voice. They wouldn’t get a reaction from me, not like they wanted to.  
The three men clothed in green in front of me said nothing, but looked at least a little surprised. Then somebody behind them laughs. He moves past them, without looking at them.  
“Name’s Frank Castle”  
The ones who obviously wanted to intimidate me, left me alone. I still don’t know their names, but well, seems like I wouldn’t need to. Two others moved to his side instead, but I didn’t spare them a look.  
“This is Russo, and this is Hoyle.” He gestures in their directions, and I give them a nod.  
“Billy, please.”, the left one smiles, so wide as if he was told he could go home early. I didn’t trust him one bit. After all, they could have the same opinion than the others; or they only want me to let my guard down. That will never happen.  
“Curtis.”, says the one on the right. “I’m the medic.”  
I nod again, but don’t move otherwise. “Like I said”, I repeat just to be polite, “I’m Jodie.”  
“Nice to meet you, too.”, the tall one – Billy – smirks.

Okay, maybe a little smile slipped out, then. Fight me, I like sarcasm.  
“So,”, Frank begins again, “How can one small woman like you be our back-up?”  
_This isn’t right_ , I think again. _This memory doesn’t belong here._

And then I’m _actually_ small again, cold snow on my face, in my nose. I can’t breathe. I feel myself panicking, I can’t _breathe_ -  
But then the boy lets me go, and I know what’s happening before I see it; after all, I have already lived through it, once. He holds his throat, and now he is the one struggling to breathe.  
“Aiden, stop!”, I yell, now panicking for a different reason. “You’re hurting him!”

He stopped choking him, luckily. With tears in my eyes I watched him struggling to breathe.  
Once he stood on his feet again, he points at me. “Did you see that?”, he asks the other kids. “She nearly killed me!”, he coughs. “You saw, what she did to me!”  
And as if he had a sixth sense for stuff like this, my father appears behind me.  
“She is a witch!”, the boy yells at me. “A dirty, rotten witch!”

“What’s going on?” My father grabbs me by my arm and I jump.  
“She’s a witch!”, the boy screams again, like a broken record. “I’m telling you, Jodie Holmes is a witch!”  
My father pulls me into our house (“Come on… Come on, let’s go home!”), because he doesn’t need to know what exactly happened. Of course he doesn't. Something weird happens, and _of course_ , it is my fault.  
“What happened?” My mom asks concerned, once we are inside. My father shoves me into the living room, and hurts my arm while doing it.  
“What were you doing in the street? You know you’re not allowed to leave the yard!” Now my father is yelling at me angrily. And I do remember getting frustrated. Why is everyone always angry with me?  
“I saw the other kids playing… I… I just wanted to have some fun.”  
“What did you do to that boy?”, he raises his voice at me. My mom tries to calm him down, but he doesn't react. I get tired of always being accused.  
“I didn’t do anything! Aiden did it! He was trying to defend me. He thought-“  
“I am _sick_ and _tired_ of your stories! Jodie, this time you’re really gonna get it!” He moves towards me, grabbs my arm again and raises his hand, about to hit me. My Mom yells now, too: “Phillip, no!”   
But he only stops dead in his tracks, when all the lights in the house begin to flicker. He lets go off me.  
“Go to your room.”, he says, still looking around the house. “Now!”  
Finally, I hurry upstairs again.

Later that evening, I am already in bed and my mom tries to comfort me.  
“Try to get some sleep, sweetheart. Everything will be better in the morning, okay?” She kisses me on my forehead, and I felt better, then. Now I only feel bitter at the touch. “Night, night.”, she says and turns off the light.  
“Mommy!” I sit upright in my bed again. “I’m afraid of the monsters, mommy. They’re gonna get me.”  
“Honey, you know monsters don’t exist.” Easy for her to say. She hasn’t met the shadows who come out in the dark to tease me and claw at me. They are very scary, to my six-year-old self even more so. “But I’ll leave the light on and the door open, okay? Get some sleep, sweetie.”  
Like promised she left the door open a little bit, so I could see the light on the hallway.

I tried to sleep, but Aiden turns my light on once more. It made me so, so angry, I remember. It's always because of him, that I get in trouble. _Because of him_ explains a lot, actually. “Go away! I hate you! It’s _your_ fault my parents don’t love me! You hear me? Go away!”

And like I wanted him to, he left me alone. Well, as alone as he _could_ leave me. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t, because he later showed me, what he saw while I tried to sleep: My father called me a monster. “This needs to stop, before we end up crazy, or dead.”, he said, downstairs. Together with my mom on our dining table, he talked all about how “We agreed to look after a little girl, Susan, but not a demon!”  
I didn’t learn I was adopted until much, much later. But I really wished I wouldn’t have known what my father thought of me, then.

I heard them coming, that night. I knew, the monsters were there, before I saw them. Aiden felt my fear, and came back to me, which I as very grateful for. I _did_ just yell at him, but he didn't care. He always just wanted to protect me the best he could.  
I turn my light on again. “There’s no reason to be scared, Aiden. We’re going to sleep and nothing is going to happen.” I press my plush bunny to my chest, and try to calm down. But then the door suddenly closes with a bang, the light shuts off, and the shadows pulled me down the bed at my feet. I scream and scream while they scratch me; but Aiden is too scared to help me, and my parents are locked outside and aren't able to get in.  
When my father finally kicks down the door, the monsters leave as fast as they came. I am sitting in a corner, crying, when they rush in - my mom quick to hug me and try to calm me down. “Jodie! Oh my god, what happened?” I am covered in scratches all over my body. And I remember feeling helpless. I think I didn't feel safe again until I left this home.  
“You told me monsters didn’t exist! But you were wrong, mommy…” She embraced me again. “You were wrong.”

 

And the next minute I am older again, and sleeping in my bed at the station of the marines. I’m awake before they come this time, too. Frank and Billy. They touch my shoulder, with stern faces, and I look at them, my body tense.  
“You wanna be respected, kid?”, Frank mumbles, “This is your chance.”  
I frown, because I don’t know what he means, but I do get up. No one is in their beds, we are all alone.  
“You got to be tough to make this, Jodie.”, Billy says with concern in his voice. “They won’t go easy on you.”  
“I’m a big girl.”, I answer, “I can handle myself.” But I still have no idea what they want me to do.

Billy and Frank take me outside, where all of our group stands in a gauntlet. I have heard of those in my training at the CIA, but didn’t think marines were _really_ dumb enough to do stuff like this. Basically, they would walk through it while getting beaten down by their fellow marines, to prove their endurance as well as their physical strength.  
_If that is all they want from me_ , I think. _Might as well show them, what we can do, Aiden._ A feeling of satisfaction, that I know belongs to Aiden, overcomes me. He is going to protect me, and I am not going to feel a thing of what they do to me.

Now they will know what me and Aiden are made of.

Five people on each side, now that Billy and Frank joined them again, watch my reaction expectantly. If anything, they should learn, that I won’t give them any satisfaction. I grin back.  
“Y’all wanna know why I am your back-up?”, I announce proudly, some could even say arrogant, “You will see right now.”  
I can see Frank and Billy exchanging a look, and it makes me even more determined – they don’t believe that there’s anything special about me. They will see. _They will all see._

They begin to chant my name. I have to admit, the “Holmes! Holmes! Holmes!” yells _do_ hype me up a little. This is my chance.  
“Let’s go.”, I tell Aiden. And myself.

When I step to the first dude, I grin at him. I see Aiden building his shield in front of me, while dude number one hesitates to hit me – oh god, would he do that on the battlefield too?  
But finally, he does, and his fist hits the air in front of me. Shocked he pulls his fist back, and I give him a salute. The chant has stopped.  
“Dude, what the hell? Hit her!”, calls dude number two.  
“You wanna try?”, I smirk.  
They are in for a ride.

Everyone hit me with all their might, but no one was able to break through Aidens shield. Frank, Billy and Curtis are the last ones, and I can see that Curtis didn’t even really try to hit me. It is dead quiet on the field. Billy is next, and he tries something else – instead of hitting straight on the shield, he put his arms on my sides, and pushes me. It isn't hard, because he didn’t think it would work, and I didn’t calculate this in. But still, I stood tall and proud, and didn’t fall.  
Frank though, acts quick and uses his chance; he puts his arms around me and throws me to the ground – I only have time to get myself in a good position, and then everyone is near me and trying to land a hit. The shield is still intact. A kick gets to my side, though.  
“Hey, everyone had their chance to hit her.”, Billy calls them out. “Your fault if you didn’t think of anything else than fucking decking her in the face.” He ushers them a little away from me.  
Frank bows down to face me and starts to laugh really hard. “We have a weirdo as back-up, guys.”

“If you want me to back you up, you should show some manners.”, I grin. Billy joins in and laughs, while Frank offers me his hand and pulls me on my feet again.  
“I think I’m glad to have you on our side.” Curtis gives me a pat on my shoulder.  
The other dudes look at me, still speechless.  
“You wanna be my Unit?”, I ask them, “Then introduce yourselves. We will fight together for quite some time, so it seems.”

 

It’s dark, but somehow, I can exactly remember the looks on their faces: Billy, Frank and Curtis. I wish I could say Billys especially, but I didn’t really trust him then, yet. No man, to be honest.  
This is a good memory. But this is still not the right order – which would be next? Oh yes. The DPA.


	3. The DPA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uni is really stressing me out, and I have so many deadlines coming up and so much work to do - so naturally, I wrote another chapter to procrastinate. Pls enjoy!  
> (Next chapters still might be coming slow. Like I said, I actually should be doing stuff instead of writing.)

I don’t remember when we started seeing Doctor Matthews – not because of my fucked-up memories, but because I was simply too young to remember. I know that my parents have talked to him since Aiden started to communicate with me.  
He was a kind Doctor, but he didn’t really leave an impression.

I do remember getting introduced to Nathan, though.  
It was probably short after the incident with the boy next door, when Doctor Matthews got replaced by a Doctor Dawkins. My mom took me to meet him, and I _really_ didn’t want to be there. I think we only switched Doctors because the situation with Aiden and the monsters kept getting worse – they attacked me almost every night.  
I was mad at Aiden, like always; after all, it was his fault that all of this was happening to me.

Right now, I’m sitting outside of my little hut, far away from civilization and the public. And Billy. But that’s what I need. My memories keep getting mixed up. I’m trying to work out a timeline, and write everything down; but my six-year old self is sitting in the waiting room at the DPA, and Billy is standing next to me. I’ve only met him in my time in Afghanistan, so that can’t be true. He also has his scars, and I don’t remember how he got them. _Liar._

I take a deep breath and try to focus.  
The DPA – the Department of Paranormal Activities – is a military base, focused on experiments with everything strange. The Infraworld, for example. But that’s a piece that will only appear to be important later on.  
_I_ am something strange, apparently. Or better, me and Aiden are. Mommy is inside the Doctors office, and talking to him. Probably about me. Most definitely about me. I’m waiting outside, sitting on one of the chairs in front of it. The hallways are clean, but nobody is around. Except this strange man, he is watching me, but I can’t look directly at him – that’s because he isn’t really here. _Ignore him_.  
Aiden is bored, he plays with a chair next to me.  
“Stop it, Aiden. It’s your fault we’re in trouble. So, cut it out!”  
_“You got to be tough to make this, Jodie.”_ , his voice comes from everywhere, and goosebumps creep over my skin. _Ignore him_.

Suddenly the office door opens, and Mommy comes out.  
“He’s replacing Doctor Matthews, he’s the one who’s gonna be taking care of you from now on.” She sits down next to me and smiles. “He seems really nice! Go on,”, she nods to his office, “he wants to meet you.”  
I just look at her, clearly not amused.  
“Go on, hurry up!”, she says softly and leans back, “I’ll be right here, sweetheart.”

I’m annoyed, and a little bit scared, but I walk inside nevertheless. _His_ eyes follow me. I close the door.  
“Hello, Jodie. Come in!”  
I stay at the door, but he smiles at me and introduces himself: “My name is Nathan. Nathan Dawkins.” He has brown hair and wears glasses, and he leans a little forward towards me in his seat. “I thought it would be a good idea for us to have a little chat, get to know each other a little better…”  
I don’t move, and show no real reaction; this kind of talks make me nervous. I just want to be normal.  
“That is, if it’s okay with you, of course.” He smiles again, and waits what I decide to do.  
_I’ll try to trust him_ , I think, and sit down on the chair in front of his desk. I see a recorder on his table. There’s also a picture of his family- his wife and his daughter.  
“Jodie, my job is to study… _strange_ events and then try to explain them. Like…”, he gestures vaguely to me, “like the things that happen around you, right Jodie?”  
I’m thinking about what I should say, but choose to stay silent for now – lets see, where this goes.

“Your mother tells me you have an invisible friend.”  
I just shrug. What am I supposed to say? I don’t know what Aiden is. He’s just there. Always.  
“This friend… has he been with you for a long time?”  
That’s a question I can answer, at least. I nod.  
“Since you were born?”, he asks, and I nod again.  
He seems a little more excited now. “Is he a ghost? Or a spirit of someone who passed away?”  
I shrug again. How should I know the answer to this question?  
“Can you… draw him for me, maybe?”  
I affirm with a nod. Nathan reaches into a drawer and takes out a piece of paper, and gives me his pen.  
I start drawing, like I have done it many times before; always in a desperate try for my parents to understand me. But Nathan really wants to know. So, I try to make it extra pretty.  
I draw myself, and I draw Aiden as a little black cloud in the top corner. A line connects him to myself. Once I’m done, I push it back to Nathan. He doesn’t reach for it immediately, but watches me.

“Mind if I take a look?”, he asks, and I shake my head. I was a really quiet kid, or so it seems. Can’t really believe it, when I think of how I behaved as a teen.  
“So,”, he takes my drawing and absorbs it. “This thing is your friend. And he is connected to you with some kind of… cord?” He traces the line I drew. Then he looks around. “Is he here right now?”  
I look down, while signaling _Yes, he is here_.  
“Can you tell him to do something?”

Instead of answering, I glare into the corner of the room, where I know Aiden is right now. He knows what to do – and happily obliges, when I allow him to do something, for once. He pushes open the drawers next to the desk.  
Nathan followed this with wide eyes and then looks at me again. I avoid his gaze.  
“You tell him what to do… and it happens?” Astonishment is in his voice, and it doesn’t sit right with me.  
“I don’t tell Aiden what to do. No one does. He’s like a lion in a cage. We’re tied together. He can’t go away.” I take a deep breath. “That makes him really angry… It’s not my fault, I want him to leave too. He can be really scary sometimes…”  
“Did he do that to you?”

Nathan points at my bare forearms, covered in scratches.  
I shake my head. “No. That was the monsters.”  
Nathan leans back in his chair, and tries to comprehend what I’m telling him. I look him in the eyes, meaning every word I say.

 

Which I probably shouldn’t have.  
I should have told him some lie, that yes, it was actually Aiden who hurt me sometimes without meaning to. But no, I told the truth, so now I suffer the consequences.  
They show me my new room, my mommy holds my hand, but let’s go once we are inside.  
It’s as big as our living room home, but completely empty. There’s furniture of course, but nothing personal around yet. It feels very cold to me.  
My parents, Nathan and Cole watch me, while I examine the room. I don’t look at them, and do not give them a reaction, so my mom walks in front of me, goes on her knees and takes my hands.

She sighs, and clearly tries to act strong for me, but this hurts her just as much as me.  
“It won’t be for long. Just long enough for them to find out what’s going on.”  
I shake my head. “Please don’t leave me here.”  
“Just for a couple of days. You’ll see, time will go by fast.”  
Then dad steps in. “Susan, we need to go. There’s no reason to drag this out.”  
Mommy tries to smile at me, but fails miserably. She hugs me. “Be brave, darling. You’re strong.” But I don’t feel strong, I am crying. I don’t want them to leave and I don’t want to be on my own. “I know you’re strong.”, she chokes out into my hair. She kisses my head for a last time, and gets up.  
My dad is staring on the ground, waiting for her to finish. And I guess I understand for the first time that he doesn’t care about me anymore.  
And just like that, they leave. He didn’t even say goodbye.

I’m still crying and trying to get my composure back, when Nathan walks beside me. “Jodie”, he starts, “I know it’s hard, leaving your home and your family. But here we have a better chance of understanding what’s happening… We can find a way to protect you.”  
I look him directly in the eyes. “Nobody can protect me.”

Nathan is at loss for words for a moment, but he catches himself fast. “Your belongings are in that bag over there. Cole and I are right next door. If you need anything, or anything is wrong, just call and we will come right away.”  
He pats me on the shoulder and gives me a small smile. “Goodnight, Jodie.”

Then they leave, too.  
Suddenly, I am actually glad that I have Aiden with me – he is something familiar in this uncomfortable place. I can’t seem to shake the weird feeling that’s coming over me.  
“Alright.”, I say to myself, “find somewhere to change…”  
I take my pajamas and try not to look directly into the cameras in the corners of this room – they’re watching me right now. They will be watching for as long as I’m here.

There’s a bathroom next to my bedroom, and I hope at least there I will be free of the eyes watching me. Once I changed, I go back to my bag and get my stuffed bunny. I also get my flashlight, just in case.  
“Come on, Bunny Gruff. Let’s see where we’re going to sleep tonight.”  
There aren’t that many options, clearly. I don’t want to sleep on the couch, so the bed it is. It’s a really big bed, much bigger than mine at home.  
The space is very open, and there are only two doors – the one to the bathroom, and the one outside. Where Cole sits and watches me.

Just as I lay down and close my eyes, Coles voice booms over the speakers. “I’m gonna turn out the light now. Goodnight, Jodie.”  
“Wait!”, I yell and sit upright again. “Can you leave the light on in the hall? I don’t like it when it’s dark.”  
“Sure. How’s that?” The lights in my bedroom darken, but the ones in the living room remain; and seeing that the rooms aren’t really closed off, there’s still enough light for me to see.  
“Good.”  
“Goodnight.”, Cole says softly, again.  
“Night.”

I lay back down, but anxiety is getting its hold on me. “Don’t be afraid, Aiden. We’re gonna have a good night’s sleep and nothing is gonna happen.” He answers in a sound only I can hear, and it means he agrees. It means affection.  
I can’t seem to fall asleep. I have been turning around in the bed for a while now, but this place is so strange and weird and I don’t like it.  
“I can’t sleep, Aiden. I think I need a story…”  
Aiden takes it unto himself then, to entertain me until I fall asleep. He lifts my flashlight off the desk and turns it on, creating shadows on the ceiling. There’s an elephant, and he’s going on an adventure. The story goes on, but I finally drift asleep.

I don’t know they’re coming, this time. The light flickers, but I am sound asleep. That is, until they lift me in the air and threw me on the ground. The monsters with the glowing eyes are back. I scream my lungs out, hoping that Cole will hear it, but nothing happens.  
They pull at me, and Aiden tries to help me, but they lunge at him, and he backs off. He is as scared as I am.  
“Get help, Aiden – quick!” I say instead. Maybe Cole can help. Maybe Nathan can help.

They throw me around, scratching me, breaking furniture – I hear sounds coming from outside, but they can’t get in, the door won’t open.   
I’m trying to open the door from this side, but they lift me up at my feet; and I hold on to the door handle like my life depends on it. Not once I stop screaming.  
But then, suddenly, Aiden steps in. He attacks the monsters, he gets them away from me. He can take them.  
And once they’re gone, the door opens and Cole and Nathan storm inside, straight to me. “My God, Jodie!” Nathan hurdles me in his arms and he takes a look at me. “Get a doctor, hurry!”, he tells Cole.

I’m still crying, but I try to calm down. “It’s okay,”, I say beaten up and with tears on my face, “It’ll be alright now… Aiden isn’t scared of them anymore.” Nathan keeps hugging me, but I feel better. They won’t hurt us anymore.

 

“You’re not scaring me, you know.”  
I say, while he is cleaning his knife, the blood stains won’t come off easily.  
“I’m not trying to scare you.”, he smiles, “I’m trying to impress you. Is it working?”  
That makes me laugh. “You wish, Russo.”

I’ve learned a lot about them since I’ve been here. _But how long have I been here? I don’t remember._  
Frank and Billy already did a tour here in Afghanistan together – they actually even became marines together. No wonder they were inseparable, stuff like this binds you together. I’m glad they kind of took me in – they’re the first people ever that I would actually call my friends. Not my mentors, not my guardians – just friends.  
But I hated the war.

I hated being in Afghanistan, even though the boys made it alright. I hated the blood spilling, I hated the fights. I was good at it, and I tried to _do_ something good where I could, but still.  
Frank and Billy wouldn’t understand me. They both fought like maniacs, like they were born to do this – and they didn’t regret a thing.  
It’s always either death or them.  
And I can understand that. I really do, I have killed just to make it out alive – but it takes a toll on you. On me.

“You’re zoning out again.”  
Billy stops cleaning his knife and holds it against the light, so he can have a better look; he decides, that it’s alright and puts it away.  
I don’t answer. What should I say? My thoughts tend to get heavy, sometimes.

“Are you thinking about going home?”, he grins. “What will you do once we’re not hurdling together in a space this small?”  
My throat actually closes at the thought. I hated the war, but I loved my boys. “I don’t even want to think about it.”  
Our tour was ending, and all of us got to go home, for a little while at least. I know that I’ll have to call back in with Rawlings, even though everything about this made my hair stand on its end. _I need a distraction_.  
“What will you do?”, I ask and watch him closely. His brown eyes always look like melted chocolate, when he was happy like that. But I frown. _The scars don’t belong on his face. Not in this time_.  
“Oh, you know…”, he smirks, “… have some fun.”  
I roll my eyes. “Wow. Great for you.”  
He picks up on my behavior right away. “Don’t worry, Jodie. You will always be my number-one-girl.” Oh god, he knows how much I hated being called a _girl_. No need to make me even smaller than I am. “Okay, jokes aside-“, he says and pats me on the shoulder, “We’re all in New York, right? Frankie, you and me, we can meet up. It’s not like I have much folks to visit, either.”  
We both smile at each other, somehow understanding the other without really understanding – Billy was always alone, on his own; while I was never left alone. Still, his presence didn’t feel like a burden like Aiden’s does, sometimes. _“And I don’t feel lonely when I’m with you.” I shake my head. This doesn’t belong here – a mantra in my head._

“Okay?”, he asks.  
“Yes, Billy.”, I sigh. “Thank you.”

“What’re ya lovebirds talkin’ about?”  
“Ohhh, Frankie’s back.”, Billy laughs and I can’t help but to join in.  
“Back again,”, I rap.  
“Frankie’s back,”, Billy understands my reference immediately and we both finish it together:  
“-Tell a friend.”  
Frank’s just shaking his head. “Like goddamn kids.”, he mutters and makes us laugh even harder.

Not everything was bad.

 

I’m not even mad about this memory resurfacing now, even though it doesn’t fit in the timeline – it makes me feel all warm inside. That was before everything went to shit, one of the happier times. I still see Billy’s warm eyes when I dial his number.  
“Do you need me to come?”, he answers, rushed.  
“Don’t worry, everything’s fine. As fine as it can be.” I picture him like in my memory – even though I know, that it’s not the truth anymore. Too much has changed.  
“That’s good.”, he says and takes a deep breath. “Really nice to hear your voice, Jodie.”  
“It’s nice to hear from you, too, Billy.”


	4. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the triggerwarning for attempted rape applies to this chapter.   
> Please take precautions if needed before reading.   
> Otherwise, please enjoy :)

 

It was good to hear from Billy, it really was. But I shouldn’t have called him, because hearing his voice messed me up even more.  
I’m trying to get a good night’s sleep, but nightmares keep interrupting my peaceful dreams.

“Tell me, you didn’t know.”  
But he stays quiet.  
“Tell me you didn’t know!”, I repeat, angry and yelling.  
He puts his hands up in surrender. “You weren’t supposed to find out that way-“  
“Oh yeah? Don’t fuck with me, I wasn’t supposed to find out either way.”

“I’m sorry.”, he says and I don’t know what to believe anymore.  
“They used us to get rich. Is that what you wanted? To get rich? Is that where your priorities lie?”, I push him a little away from me, “They used _me_! I was the one who got the so-called terrorists! I’m the reason so many innocent people got tortured and murdered!”

I am breathing heavily, and my stomach turns. “I’ve got blood on my hands!”  
Billy stays quiet through my whole raging speech. I can’t identify the look in his eyes, and I don’t want to, because I’m hurt, and angry, and I right now, I _hate_.  
I’m feeling sick. “They used me to do their dirty work.” I cover my eyes, because I don’t want him to see my tears, and I don’t want to see his face.  “Some kid lost his father because of me.”

“I didn’t know that, either.” His voice cracks. “Just the heroin.”  
“That doesn’t make it better, Billy.” I say, trying to keep my voice from wavering.

“What does that mean?”, he asks, and my heart hurts. _What does that mean for us? – I don’t know, Billy._

“You sort your priorities out.”, I choke out. I turn to leave, but he is near me in the blink of an eye and takes my hand.  
“What are you doing now?”, he asks, and sounds afraid. “Don’t do anything stupid, they will kill you-“  
“I’d like to see them try.”, I chuckle humorlessly, “I’m leaving. Nobody will ever use me again. Tell Frankie Goodbye.”

And with that, I leave, the CIA on my heels.

 

I get thrown in the time right before that –

The terrorist isn’t far anymore. I found out, where he lived. As an American I was on dangerous territory, but that’s nothing I couldn’t handle. Nothing I didn’t do before.  
I creep through the night, spying through Aiden’s eyes. Really useful, when you don’t have to move to scope out the area.  
It was easy, until I came across this boy.

He was hurt, like, really hurt. A bullet hole in his kneecap, he’d bleed to death if I didn’t do anything. So, I approached him; but he was scared. He couldn’t be older than ten or eleven and the gun he points at me shakes.  
He shouts something in a language I don’t speak, and I put my hands up to show I mean no harm. I point to his knee. “You’re hurt.” Then I point to myself. “I can help.” And I gesture back to his knee.

After thinking for a moment – he doesn’t understand me, either – he puts his gun down. This brave boy probably knows that he wouldn’t stand a chance alone. I get closer, and I smile at him, to calm him down. Then I put my hands on his knee and close my eyes.  
Aiden knows what to do. He heals him, and I feel the wound closing under my fingers.

With wide eyes the boy pushes himself into a standing position, putting weight on his healed knee. Nothing hurts, and he can’t believe it. Even I can understand his words of surprise. Then he jumps at me and takes my hand and laughs.  
I can’t help but grin myself.

“Okay, I gotta get going.”, I try to tell him, but he just watches me closely. I look for the tower which is the thing I navigate with right now – the terrorist should be right next to it. I point to it. “That’s where I need to go.”  
His face lights up, and he gestures to himself. I try to decode his words.  
“You need to go there, too?”  
He nods and smiles. Then he says “Jamal!”, while still putting his hands on his chest.  
“Your name is Jamal?”  
They boy nods again: “Ja-mal.”  
I try to better my pronunciation, then I tell him “I’m Jodie.”  
“Jo-die?”, he tries and it sounds a little funny, but it’s better than her first attempt.

“Yes!”, she smiles, and they start going, together.

 

Next thing she knows she is seventeen again, and she is driving with Nathan in the middle of the night.

“The DPA has launched a program to study the other side – the ‘Infraworld’, as they call it.”, Nathan explains to her. “They created a condenser- a machine to open a rift to what lies beyond.”  
“They opened a passage?”, I ask shocked. _Are they insane?_ “Into Aiden’s world?”  
“Something happened, last night. Entities got through the rift, and we couldn’t shut down the condenser. Everybody in the building was slaughtered, none of the rescue teams came back. They called and asked for your help – I told them that you were just a child and that it was too dangerous. But they know only _you_ know how to deal with what lies beyond the rift…”

We are pulling up to the building, it’s in Unit 16 and ambulances and police cars are blocking the way. A lot of people are outside, and it’s raining. My heart is pumping like crazy. I try to take it all in, but I’m scared.

“Jodie.”, Nathan gets my attention again. “If you don’t want to do it, just say it and I’ll take you back.” He sounds earnest.  
“It’s alright.”, I say, but my voice sounds so small. I look into his eyes. “I’ll do it.”  
He nods and steps out of the car.

I take a second to breathe, before I follow him outside.

But as I get out of the car, I’m even younger – sixteen years young. I know what will happen, and I don’t want to relive that again. _Wake up. Wake up. Wake up._

But I don’t wake up.  
I walk up to a pub, the name is ‘Red House’, it looks hideous. Dirty. In the middle of nowhere.

 _This is the place_ , I think. _The girls must be already inside._  
I don’t remember how I could ever think, that the girls of my class would really be here. That they would meet here. Until today I don’t know, why I thought that – did I get the name wrong? Did they give me the wrong name, purposefully? Maybe they didn’t want me around.  
I walk into the bar, and I know the scene: some tables, a billiard table too – and my friends aren’t there.  
There’s the guy behind a counter, and two other man sitting at the bar. The bigger one looks up when I walk in, and he nudges the guy next to him. They both steal glances at me, and my stomach feels sick. Two other guys are playing at the billiard table, having fun.

I remember, that I was nervous, and nothing felt right, when it first happened. Now I know, I _know_ , but I can’t seem to do anything differently. I sit down at one of the tables in the back and wait. The waiter, or bartender, or whatever you want to call him, walks up to me.  
“How old are you, miss?”  
“I’m 21.”, I try to lie, but it doesn’t come out right. He crooks a smile at me to say _of course you are_. I hurry to add: “I just want a lemonade.”  
Without another word he nods and slowly he walks away again.

It takes every ounce of my willpower to stay seated, but at the same time I wouldn’t be able to move anyway – I’m not really here, I’m just reliving it. I think it’s worse, now that I know what will happen.  
Oh yes, now the two guys who were playing billiard leave the bar. As soon as they’re outside the two man at the bar turn around to look at me. I scoff silently. _They’re not even trying to be sneaky_.

The bartender comes up again, and sits a glass down on my table. He’s staring at me, and he pours the lemonade very slow. It made me uncomfortable then, and it makes me sick now.  
_Sick bastard_.  
He leaves in silence again, and I try to look anywhere else. Once he’s gone, I take a sip of my lemonade, but I can’t stay seated anymore. I’m too nervous, so I stand up and decide to play a little billiard myself. At least that way, I could pass some time.

I prepare the balls.  
“Need a partner?”  
I look up to see all three men staring at me; the bigger one spoke.  
“I’d actually just… play on my own, if that’s okay…”  
He dramatically sighs – “Shootin’ pool on yer own?” – and gets up to join me. I try to ignore him, and avoid eye contact. “Takes two to play that game.”, he says.

He takes a cue and makes a gesture. “Ladies first.”  
I’ve played it before, so I’m not all that bad. I hole one.  
“Nice shot.”

He moves closer to me. “What ya doin in here, all on yer lonesome?”  
I need to think; I need to think. What should I say? That question alone is a red flag. But my sixteen-year-old self feels _oh_ so independent. I should have bolted out of there right now.  
I try to evade the question. “Nothing…”

I make another shot, and hole again.  
“Are you tryin to hustle me, girl?”, then he pauses, “Truth to be told – you look kinda young to be in here.” He moves closer. “How old are you?”  
_He is too close._ I try to act as if I weren’t intimidated. “It’s none of your business.”, I’m unsure and everyone could here it, “Besides, it’s impolite to ask.”  
I get another turn. If I wasn’t so uncomfortable, I’d be a bit smug about it – another ball goes inside the hole.  
“Whoa! I’m impressed.”, he leans a little on the table, “D’yer parents know you’re in here?”  
“Yeah.”, I answer, but don’t look at him, “Sure, they dropped me off. They’ll be back. I’m sure, they’ll be back soon… to pick me up.”

He nods, and I get on with my turn – but as I bend to target with my cue, a hand grabs my ass.  
“Hey, back off!”, I bite out, scared shitless, but angry. I face him.  
“Come on, baby. You know you want to…”  
He grabs my hips, and I’m pressed against the table, so I can’t move away. I don’t know what to do, so I push him off. He stumbles back a few steps, but that only made him angrier.

With a yell he moves forward again, grabs me and throws me on the table. His buddy rushes to my side to help him, and grips at my shoulders. He touches my legs-  
Aiden stops it. He throws the billiard balls from the table, hitting them.  
Frantic, they look around – “Who’s there?”, they call. But no one can see Aiden. I lie on the table, covering my face and crying.  
He scares them. He even hurts them. And by god, they deserve it.

 _I could have killed them- I could have let Aiden kill them_ , I muse now; crying the same as the day it happened. It wouldn’t have been a loss for the world.  
But they only got frightened really bad, a little hurt, and then they left the pub.  
I stayed there, on the billiard table, sobbing.

Nathan and Cole didn’t take very long, though.  
“Jodie!”, Nathan yells, once he sees me. He hurries to my side, and it reminds me of something that has happened before. He was a father to me, more than anyone else ever has been. “My god.”, he says and pulls me up, so he can embrace me properly, “Are you alright? What happened?”  
I move a little away, too overwhelmed to feel contact right now. “I… I just wanted to… go out… go out and just be like everyone else for once…”  
“I know, I know…” Nathan hugs me closer again, and I sob into his side. “It’s okay…”

 

Then I’m with Billy again, and there’s a knife at his face.  
He screams, and I finally wake up, drenched in cold sweat.


	5. The Loss

I was supposed to stay at the DPA only for a few weeks, until Nathan would have a better understanding of what was happening to me. Of what Aiden is. But the weeks passed, and I wasn’t allowed to leave – instead, my parents came to visit me, then.

I know what was happening. I knew it from the beginning. I knew they would be happier, once I wasn’t with them anymore, and I know they wouldn’t want me back. I was right.  
I am crying, and I can’t look them in the eyes. I am sitting on the couch in my room at the DPA, which is now decorated (but it would always feel wrong, not matter how much Nathan and Cole _tried_ to make it better).

First, my Dad walks up to me.  
He gets on his knees before me, and stops for a moment. Then he shakes his head. “I don’t know how to tell you this, Jodie, so I’m just going to tell you… Your Mom and I, we have been transferred, we have to leave the base. We really want to take you with us, but we think… everyone thinks that it would be better for you to stay with Professor Dawkins.”  
He means, _he_ wants me to stay here. There’s a pause, and I still can’t bring myself to look at him.

He gets no reaction from me, so he turns to look at Mommy, who’s just staring into space, too.  
“Of course, we’ll come to see you whenever it’s possible… And when you’re better, you’ll join us in our new home.”, he tries to sound enthusiastic, “Okay?”  
But I don’t react.  
“Well, I think it’s for the best.”, he says, and gets up. “Goodbye, dear.” He presses one harsh kiss unto my hair and stands aside.

Once he’s done it’s mommys turn to say goodbye.  
She gets down in front of me, and puts her arms around me. She looks sad, almost like she would really miss me. “Be brave, Darling. I know this is difficult, but I’m sure it will work out fine.” She presses one long kiss to my temple, but dad interrupts her.  
“C’mon Susan, we gotta go.”  
“Just give me a minute, Phillip.” She sounds angry.

She presses her forehead against mine, and I close my eyes and feel the warmth. I don’t want them to leave. I don’t want to be alone. _Don’t leave me here_ , is all I can think of.  
Mommy presses one last kiss to my nose.  
“That’s enough, come on…”  
She breathes hard, and then gets up. They walk up to the door, and mommy turns around again to look at me, but there’s something much more interesting; Aiden shows me.  
Aiden could hurt Dad right on the spot. It’s his fault my Mommy is leaving me. She would never do this on her own. It’s his fault, all of this. I can hurt him, like Aiden hurt the boy in our street, once, a long time ago.  
But I simply tense, and let the chance pass.

I would never see these people I called my parents again.

I’m left in the room with Nathan and Cole, and Nathan decides to comfort me. Still silently crying, he takes my hands.  
“Jodie… We’re here. We will always be here for you.” Then he hugs me, and I cry into his shoulder. _At least I’m not in a bar._

 

They’re watching me all the time. Sometimes it was all I could think of while playing, other times it would be not as important. But I always knew it in the back of my mind. They are always watching.  
We’ve done quite a lot of experiments in my days at the DPA, but that’s what I was there for. That’s why I was never allowed to leave. I would be schooled on base, with my own teachers, and I was not really able to see other children my age. All I had left were Aiden and Nathan and Cole.

The Experiments weren’t always bad, though. After all, I learned lots of things Aiden was able to do, and we learned how to get along better. We could be a team. He was still tied to me, but it wasn’t as bad anymore – now, that he knew he didn’t want to leave me anymore. He wanted to protect me. He still played around too much, but I could see why I should be glad to have him; because with him, I could do things no one had ever done or seen before.

It still felt like a curse.  
I just wanted to be normal – that was nothing I would ever get. Never.

 

I am playing with my barbies, it’s some time after my parents left me, I don’t remember how long exactly. Cole comes into my room.  
“Ahhh, there you are!”, he claps his hands and gets on my level, “How are you doing today, Jodie? Good?” They learned quickly that I’d rather stay quiet than answer them at all – so they answered their own questions for me, mostly.  
“I hate to bother you while you’re playing and all”, he says, which makes me look up to him, “but I believe it’s time, honey.”

My hands rest a little longer over my barbie, but then I get up, and follow Cole outside of my room, through the DPA. At least the people like me here; the scientists greet me whenever they see me and sometimes, they sneak me candy.  
“Come on, Nathan is waiting for us.”  
We make our way to the room Nathan is expecting us in. There’s a guard standing outside. He looks like Billy. “You got to be tough to make this, Jodie.”, he says with concern in his voice. “They won’t go easy on you.”  
“I’m a big girl.”, I answer and somehow, I sound twenty years older, “I can handle myself.” But when I look at him again, it’s not Billy anymore, and my throat is dry – I haven’t spoken at all.

In times like this it’s hard to know if there’s still anything in the right order – if my mind can heal.

We go inside.  
Nathan greets me. “Hey, Jodie. How has your day been so far?”  
“Pretty good.”, I answer for once. It will take longer if I don’t participate.  
I look around; the room is practically empty, there’s only a table with some cards on them. And cameras, of course.  
I sit down on the chair in front of the table, and Cole puts something on my head – I don’t know exactly what it was, to this day, but I think it measures brainwaves. “Okay, we’re gonna put this on, now. Remember? It’s just like a crown!” Cole was always so soft. “Oh yeah. Now you’re a little princess!” He laughs, and leaves the room.

Nathan leans on the table. “Don’t worry, everything is going to be fine. I’m right next door if you need me, okay?” As soon as I nod, he turns and joins Cole, closing the door and leaving me and Aiden alone.  
Then Cole speaks through a speaker. “Hey Jodie, can you hear me?” I nod. “Okay, let’s start.”

“Kathleen is next door and she has the same cards as you. Now, we’re gonna get her to choose one and see if you can tell us which one she chose. You think you can do that?” I nod again. “Good. Alright, let’s go for it.”  
“First card”, he says, and I close my eyes. The connection I have with Aiden goes both ways. I am able to feel him, I can see through his eyes – I can use him, and he floats into the next room. I can see the woman Cole was talking about. I see her card.  
When I open my eyes, I’m back in my little room, and I tip on the card with the star.  
“Next card.” I sigh. This will go on for a while.

“Very good, Jodie! Let’s try something else. There’s some building blocks on the table in the other room. You think you can make them fall over?”  
I don’t even have to make Aiden go – knocking things over and breaking stuff are his favorite things to do.  
“Good, Jodie!”, Cole says when the blocks have fallen, “Is there anything else in the room you can move?”

There are some important looking papers lying on the table – not anymore. There’s a water bottle – not standing on the table anymore. The woman in the room starts to freak out.  
“I’m sorry, but I’m done.”  
I have heard it, thanks to Aiden, but Cole announces anyway: “Okay Jodie, the experiment is over.”  
But here’s the thing – I can’t really control Aiden. No one can. There’s only so much I can make him do against his will, and it always hurts me very bad.

The woman tries to get out of the room. “It’s locked!”, she yells, while pulling at the door.  
And Aiden doesn’t stop. He dents the walls, cracks the windows, makes the poor woman scream.  
“I need you to stop, Jodie!”  
“He’s not listening to me!”, I yell back, my head starting to hurt. I try to force Aiden back to me, but he doesn’t want to. I get desperate. “Leave it, Aiden! Don’t touch anything!”

Thankfully, he stops, then.  
Nathan and Cole come into my room. “Okay. Jodie, Honey, the experiment is over.”, Cole says and takes my crown.  
I’m bitter. “It will never be over.” I glance at the top corner of the room – at Aiden.  
Cole and Nathan only share a look, and don’t answer.

 

I stretch my hand, it hurts from writing that much. But I feel better – last nights sleep was horrible, because I remembered things I’d rather have forgotten. But remembering is what I want right now.  
Well, at least I’m almost done with my childhood. Only the incident with Nathans family, the Party and the Portal is left – and I will sure as hell not revisit the bar. Not again. It’s enough that I remembered the mans face… I will not continue dreaming of this assault, and see Billys face, now. I’ll count that as a win for me.  
I could really use a win.

I close my eyes, and think of his face, with scars and all – I wonder, if he’s the only one who will ever really understand me. Now that I’m alone… I feel like I have lost a limb.

I wonder if that’s what Nathan felt like, then.

 

 

I am in Nathans and Coles office, allowed to watch TV. I’m watching a cartoon, but then I get up.  
“Nathan, I’m so tired. Could we go now?”  
He looks at his watch. “Aw, Jeez. Is that what time it is? I’m sorry, I was concentrating on my work. I know you’ve had a long day.” Then he remembers something. “Hey! This morning I bought you a book. What do you say, we get you tucked in and I read it to you?”  
“Yes, please!”, I smile and he laughs. Then he looks around.  
“I must have left it in the other room. Why don’t you go in there and get it, I’ll finish here and then we can go, okay?”  
“Sure, I’m on it.”

I walk to the room connected to the office, and turn on the light.  
“So”, I ask, “where did he leave that book?”  
As I search for it, the light flickers. As usual, I blame Aiden. “Stop it, Aiden, it’s not funny.”  
I keep looking and find it on a table, but when I try to grab it, it opens by itself. “Aiden?”, I ask, scared. “You doing that, Aiden?”

I grab it again, this time nothing happens, but as I try to leave the room, the light flickers again – and in the next second, there’s a girl standing in front of my, just slightly older than me. Her head is bloody and smashed in. I scream, and turn around, I want to run away, but when I turn there’s another woman, as bloody as the girl. She’s trying to say something, but no sound comes out of her mouth.

The next second they’re gone, and I hurry back to Nathan.  
“Ah, you found it. Now we can get down to the serious business of bedtime stories…”  
I see the woman and the girl again; they stand behind Nathan. “Jodie?”, he asks concerned. But I can’t answer, my eyes are fixated on them. They are hurt so badly, and I know the sight will give me nightmares for months.  
“Jodie, are you okay? You look pale…”  
“She’s dead tired, is what she looks”, Cole answers instead, “Come on, Nathan, let’s get her off to bed.”  
Nathan doesn’t look convinced, but he gets up and takes my hand nevertheless. When we turn to leave, the telephone rings. Cole answers it.  
“Hold on – Nathan, it’s for you!”

Nathan sighs, and gives me the book. “Nathan Dawkins…”  
He’s not saying anything else, just listening, but I can see his expression drop, and shortly afterwards the telephone.  
“Nathan?”, Cole asks. He grabs his shoulder, urgency in his voice. “Nathan, what’s up?”  
“My wife… Daughter, they were coming back from my mother’s… Truck… Drunk Driver… Wrong side of the road…” Nathan’s crying, he turns to look at Cole. “They’re dead…”  
Cole’s face drops, too. For a moment he thinks about what to do.  
“Umm”, Cole says and his voice cracks, “Jodie, let’s get you off to bed.” He points at Nathan and talks quiet, “Nathan, stay right here, I will be right back.”

“Come on, Jodie.” He takes my hand, and we leave Nathan behind to cry.

 

“Goodnight, Jodie.” Cole says, and tucks me in.  
“Is Nathan okay? When will I see him again?”  
“I don’t know, honey. He hasn’t left his office in three days. He loved his wife and daughter more than anything in the world. But we can try again tomorrow, okay?”  
He gives me a kiss on the forehead, “Now you get some sleep”, and he leaves me alone.

I turn on my left side, but still can’t find sleep, and then I turn again. The light flickers, and the girl is there again. This time, I don’t scream. I get up, heart beating fast, but she’s gone again, only to appear again at my door to the outside.  
I try to walk up to her, but she walks through the door. I open it, and the lights are flickering rhythmically. They let me know where to go.  
Then she stands outside of a door I know all too well; Nathans office. She gestures me to follow. She vanishes through the door again.

So, I do as she wants and open the door; Nathan is there, with his head in his hands, crying. There’s alcohol on the table, but he doesn’t sound drunk. Just broken.  
“Jodie? What are you doing here? It’s late, go back to bed.” He looks as shattered as he sounds. Instead of listening to him, I walk up to him and take his hands into mine.  
I can feel the girl.

My eyes turn inside out.  
“Don’t be sad, daddy.” It isn’t me talking, this isn’t my voice, but it’s my mouth that’s moving.  
Nathan tries to regain his composure. “What did you say?”  
“It was so quick. Mommy couldn’t do anything… But it didn’t hurt.”  
Nathan is breathing heavily. “Stop it, Jodie!”  
“It didn’t hurt at all.”  
“You hear me? Stop it right now!”

But my voice changes again.  
“We’re here, Nathan.”  
His face falls again. There’s no way a voice like that could be played by a child. And he knows that voice, he loved that voice for half of his life….  
“We’re right by your side…”  
“Helen! Laura…”  
“We love you, darling. We’ll always love you.”  
Then my eyes close, and I am myself again.  
“Talk to me again!”, he says, but he sees I am back and grabs my shoulders, “Jodie, make them come back! Make them come back again!”  
“I can’t.”, I say, “They’ve gone.”

“Please…” he cries, “don’t leave me… Don’t leave me!” But then he realizes he’s still holding me, and let’s go. “I miss them so much…” Nathan let’s his head fall once again, and sobs.  
I don’t know how to help, so I leave him alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how many of you actually know Beyond two souls, so I'm going a little more into the backstory. This was pretty heavy with it, and not much Billy - but don't worry, we're almost where he waits. Hope you had fun!


	6. The Party

**The Party**

After Nathans loss, our everyday life continued. Nothing really happened – I was, as always, bored out of my mind. The Experiments didn’t really bother me anymore; they became the new normal for me. The little room became my reality.   
And as much as I wanted to, I was never alone.

Aiden couldn’t leave.  
Sadly, he was my only friend (if you can call him that). I was teached separately from the other kids on base, and I didn’t really get to interact with them – and when I did, I was always too awkward to make friends with anybody.  
So I was more than excited, when one of the scientists invited me to her daughter’s birthday party (“She’s fourteen, like you! I think you would like her.”) And naturally, I begged Nathan day and night for his allowance. I really wanted to go – I wanted to make friends. I wanted to be normal. I was naïve.

Nathan finally gave in, and he was the one to get a birthday present for me as I was not allowed to leave the base. He got me something to wear, too – a blue dress, with flowers.   
Thinking back, those were my first two mistakes. Well, after deciding to go to the party, that is.

I close my eyes, and I’m back in the car. Nathan’s driving me. I get more nervous the closer we get to our destination.  
Then the car gets to a halt. I watch the house we’re standing at, and my heartbeat quickens – there are a thousand thoughts running to my mind in the matter of seconds, each one worse than the one before.  
“Listen”, I say, “I’m not sure. Maybe I shouldn’t go…”  
“Jodie, you’ve been begging me for weeks, you’re not going to back out now?!”  
“I don’t know anybody there. They might all hate me. And this dress, this dress is awful…” I cross my arms and sink into myself. “Let’s just go…”  
“Just take a deep breath. There’s no reason to panic.”, he tries to reassure me, “It’s just a birthday party. I’m sure everybody will like you. You’ll have fun, maybe meet some new friends.”

“Go on…” he smiles and nods to the door.  
I take a deep breath and get out.   
“Oh! Don’t forget your present!”, he holds it through the window and I take it, “It’s a book of poetry by Poe. It’s fifty years old and very rare, I’m sure she’ll like it.”  
I still give him an unsure look.  
“Don’t worry.”, he chuckles, “It’s going to be alright. I’ll pick you up at five. Have fun!”

Then he drives away, and I am forced to walk up to the house and ring the bell. The blonde scientist opens the door. “Hey, Jodie! Come in!”  
“Hi.”  
“Hey Kirsten, you coming? I’ve gotta go!”, she yells upstairs, before ushering me in again, “Come in, Jodie. Don’t be shy.”

Then the daughter – Kirsten – walks up to me. “Hey, Jodie, right?”, she sounds like she wants to be extra cool and acts like she doesn’t care. “Come on, we’re in the living room. Some girls from my school and the least dorky guys we could find.” She takes the present from my hands. “Oh, is that a present for me? Cool! Thanks.”  
“I’m off, darling.”, the mother interrupts again, “Look after your friends and don’t do anything stupid, alright?”  
“Sure, mom. Whatever you say.”

We walk into the living room, and as soon as the door closes, Kirsten laughs. “Finally, she gets the hint!” Kirsten’s friends sit on the couches next to a table, and they look up when we stand in front of them. “Hey, everyone. This is Jodie, she’s in Unit 4 with my mom.”  
“Unit 4?”, asks one of the guys with a British accent. “The Paranormal Department?”  
“Whooo, whatcha do there? Bend spoons or speak to dead people, stuff like that?”, the second guy in the group asks. He wears a base cap and tries to wear a mustache – but fails miserably.  
“No”, I respond shyly. “No.”

Kirsten then claps in her hands and saves me from this conversation. “Party time! I’ll get the beer. Guys, do the shutters. Girls, do the candles and Jodie you can take care of the music. Let’s get _crazy_!”  
Kinda glad that I’d been included I smile and make my way to the radio. I put on some pop music I don’t know and turn it up, but another girl is immediately at my side and says: “What kind of garbage is that? Slide over, let me put on something from this century, something really poppin’!”  
I scratch my head. _Well, that didn’t work out_.  Pushing down my anxiety, I walk back to the table, just when Kirsten gets back. A few candles light the otherwise dark room.   
Kirsten carries a box. “I hid it under my bed for a week! My Mom doesn’t even go into my room anymore, she is totally oblivious!” She puts down the box and begins to hand out cans of beer.  
“Kirsten, you are a genius.” Base cap guy says.  
“Jodie, do you want one?”, Kirsten asks.  
“No, thanks. I… I don’t drink, so…”  
Kirsten sighs. “You don’t know what you’re missing, girl! After three or four beers you will see the world in a whole new light!”

After that, the party began. People moved around, base cap guy rolled himself a joint, some others danced. I tried not to feel out of place, but it was hard.  
“Want some?”, cap-guy asks. I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want to refuse everything tonight, so I accept and say “sure”.  
I take a hit, and it burns in my lungs – I cough, while the guy laughs. “First time, huh? It got me that way, too…”  
My fingers tingle and I feel a little funny, but I take another hit anyway. It doesn’t feel… bad. You just feel blurry. Like you’re watching yourself from afar. Maybe that’s what Aiden feels like. Another hit, and I know it was too much. I give the thing back and stumble towards the couch, but the girls block my way.   
“Hey, you okay, Jodie? You’re acting kinda weird.”, Kirsten mocks.  
“Hey, pale face, you sure you feel alright?”

I don’t answer and push past. I just need some fresh air, I think, and walk out of the room.   
“You’re not looking to hot, Jodie.”, someone says and I can hear them laughing.

I close the door behind me, and Aiden sends me a wave of sympathy.   
“I know what you’re thinking”, I say, looking up to him, “You’re wondering why we’re here. I’m thinking the same thing.”  
That got me some satisfaction from Aiden. “Yeah, I know, you told me. I just wanted to see what it would be like to… got out and have friends… This is not what I expected.”

I feel a little bit better. I take another deep breath, and then I head back inside. I sit down on a chair, just wanting to get this over with, but the guy with the British accent sits down next to me. I try to ignore him, until he talks to me.   
“Hi. Hi, I’m Matt. Jodie, right?” I just nod, so he goes on. “I’ve never seen you at school before. You don’t take classes on base?”  
“I’m in a different program, with my own teacher. It’s… It’s kinda boring. I never get to see people my age. I suppose I’ve gotten used to it…”  
“So… you work with Kirstens mother?”  
“Yeah. We work in the same lab. She thought it would be a good idea to come and spend time with people my age, so… here I am…”  
He smiles at me and I notice how cute he really is: blond hair, blue eyes, light stubble.   
“I used to live in London before I moved here two years ago. And you? Where did you live before?”  
Oh god, I don’t want to sound so boring. A little lie won’t hurt… “Uhm, New York.”, I reply with the first city that comes to my mind. Boy, how would I love to live there someday, I think. Now I know, that that will be my home for many, many years.  
“Man, I love New York! It’s awesome! I went there once and it blew me away. You have any hobbies? Anything you do for, like, fun?”  
Uff, stop asking questions that are just going to bore you to death, man. I don’t do anything exciting, sadly. “I surf every chance that I get and I play in a band with a bunch of friends… And you? What are you into?”  
“It’s gonna sound really boring… but I like to read and sports. I mean I can’t… I can’t leave the base so it sort of limits things.”

“Can I… Can I ask you something?”, he asks and turns fully to me, I signal him to go on, “Why are you in Unit 4?”  
“I’d rather not talk about it.”  
“Sorry. Damn, I’m so stupid. I hope I haven’t, like, upset you or anything?”  
I shake my head. “That’s okay.”

“Cool.”, he smiles. The music changes and he looks at me expectantly. “Slow dance! You up for it?”  
“Sure”, I smile, happy that it’s going so well. I’d never ever think that it would be easy like this to get along with others my age.

We stand up and walk to the dancefloor, and I put my arms around his neck. He puts his hands on my waist. I concentrate on not tripping or stepping on his foot, and I enjoy it immensely. My heart is beating out of my chest. So far, so good. I can’t believe I was so naïve back then – but I was merely a child.  
“I’m sure you hear this all the time, but, you’re really pretty, you know?”  
“Do you say that to all the girls you meet?”  
He chuckles. “You’re not like other girls… I mean, there’s something special about you…”  
I laugh. “I guess you could say that…”

But then he slides his hands down to my ass, and I panic and move his hands back up. He doesn’t react, and moves in to kiss me, and I want it too – he was so nice to me, and I’ve never kissed a boy before.   
We kiss and it’s really, really nice. The song ends and we let go of each other, and I can’t stop smiling. Then one of the girls turns the music down.  
“Guys, Guys, why doesn’t Jodie give us a demonstration of her super mega powers?”

“No, no, I-“  
“Great idea”, cap-guy laughs. “I’d pay to see that!”  
“Ah, forget it, it’s just a load of bull.” The girl says who didn’t like my music choice earlier.  
“Yeah come on, Jodie!”, even Kirsten says, “Show us what you can do!”

Matt chimes in. “Okay, Jodie. You up for a demonstration?”  
“No, no. I don’t have ‘powers’.”  
“I told you so, guys. It’s all bullshit.”

“Right, okay guys, it’s time for the delicious cake… and most important to open my birthday presents!”  
Luckily Kirsten lets me move on from this situation, and I can finally breathe again. I hate being the focus of attention.  
We sit back down at the table.  
“Actually, the cake can wait. I’m opening my gifts first.”  
Kirsten picks one and reads the description “Love, Jenn xxx. Aw, that’s nice, babe. I bet it’s knee socks…”  
She opens it, and I avert my eyes. Great, she will just love my gift, then…  
“A thong! Just exactly what I needed!”  
“Now you can stop stealing your mom’s.”, Jen says.  
“And improve your chance of finding a decent boyfriend.”, the music-girl jokes.  
“My future lover wants to thank you for making his life more… interesting.”

They share a laugh. I’m really uncomfortable. And like it’s destiny Kirsten chooses my gift next. They just stare at the book a short moment.  
“What is that?”, Jen asks.  
“An old book.”, Kirsten answers, “It smells funky.”  
I try to make it better, at least I would have liked the book. “It’s a really rare collection. Poems by Edgar Allan Poe.”  
“Edgar Allan who?”, Kirsten asks, getting a little angry.   
“What? Did you steal this from your grandpa’s library?”, cap-guy asks.  
“No! No, it’s really rare.”

“Yeah, just like your dress.” Most of them laugh, and I close my eyes.  
“No, seriously, is this a joke?”, Kirsten asks, “I can’t believe you came all the way to my birthday party just to give me this old crap!”  
“And she thinks she’s so clever… but she’s just a little lab rat.”  
“A freaky little lab rat…”, Jen chimes in.

“Yeah”, Matt says, and my heart drops when he stands up, “She’s been following me around like a puppy all evening… begging for it.”  
“Oh!”, Music-girl grins, “And she’s a slut, too.”  
They all stand up and come closer to me, I stumble a few steps back.

“I never wanted to invite her; my mom made me.” They build a circle around me, someone tries to grab me, but I push their hand right of.   
“Yeah, she’s a slut.”, Matt says, “A slut and a witch.”  
Suddenly I’m six years old again, and standing in our old street, a boy screaming at me. But then someone grabs me again, and I find back into the right memory.  
“We should, like, do something to her…”

“What do you do with witches?”, Jen asks, “You burn them!”  
Music-girl presses the joint she was smoking on my arm, and I scream in pain.   
“Get her!”

The two boys grab me and lift me in the air and I can’t get out of their grip. “Please, stop!”, I scream, but they won’t listen. “Stop!”  
“Oh, mistress of darkness, bring forth your mighty power!”, Matt jokes.  
“Let me go!”  
Kirsten opens a little storage room, right opposite to the front door, under the stairs.  
“Let me go!”, I beg again.  
They shove me in the room, and I can barely sit in it. They close the door, and it’s immediately hard to breathe. I hate little spaces. “Please, please, let me out…” I sob, and pound against the door.  
“I wanted to do that from the first moment I saw her.” Someone says, and then I hear laughter.  
“I’m begging you, please let me out.”

“Did someone say cake?”  
“Yeah, all this excitement is making me hungry…”  
They ignore my screaming. “Yeah, let’s get this party started!”

They leave me alone, I hear the door closing, and I sob hysterically. Then they turn the music back on, and I try to calm down, but I can’t really breathe.

 

I don’t remember why I turned my radio on. Or why I joined our frequency. I don’t even know why I’m remembering this right now, being locked inside this little storage room. But there he was: Billy, sending out a message in hopes it would get to me.   
“Blackbird to Freak, Blackbird to Freak. Freak, are you there?   
I’ve been trying to reach you for weeks now. It’s really bad. You chose the absolute worst time for leaving – they, they found out there’s a mole who’s been sending videos to the CIA, and they think it was you, Freak.”  
There’s silence, as if this news were important, heavy in his lungs. I don’t understand why that would be. They wanted me back, either way, I have been on the run, no time to have breaks, and no time to even think about how to move on. I’m running low on money and food, and I can’t show my face anywhere near the public – they got cameras everywhere. It doesn’t change anything. They’re out to get me, anyway.

“They think it was you, but I know it wasn’t, because when that happened you and me were – anyway, I know it wasn’t you. But they’re out to kill you, Freak. I know this is not what you want, and if you would only come back to me, I could help you, I could… please come back to me. I miss you.  
I’ve been back in New York for a week now, and Raven is joining me soon, but without you… It’s not the same.”

“I guess the upside is, that whoever sent that tape will live for another day. They talked about it being Ravens Fault, Freak. I can’t imagine what they would have done to him, or his family. Even gone you’re saving our asses, Freak.” There’s another pause.  
“Freak, if you’re out there, and if you hear this, please let me know you’re alright. I am worried about you. Raven is worried about you. Even his Family is. Alright, then… Tell Ghost I said hello. Blackbird over.”

I give Aiden a look, and he sends his approval back. There was a time he didn’t like Billy, but Billy at least made an effort to treat Aiden like a being of his own, so now they got along pretty fine. Well, that was before Billy lied to us about our operations.  
“Blackbird to Freak, Blackbird to Freak”, the message starts again, but I turn my radio off. I’m not ready to talk to him yet. And it might be to dangerous to reply on open servers, even with our code names. I don’t know if I can trust Billy, and that hurts more than my rumbling stomach or my cold hands.

I shake my head. Back to the memory of the party.

_Get me out of here_ , I tell Aiden, _please!_ Without hesitation he pushes the door open and I crawl out of the room. I watch the doors, behind which the others are partying, and I narrow my eyes.   
_Do it, Aiden._

He goes inside the room, and I hear screaming shortly after. They try to get out through the door, but Aiden blocks it.  
“The door’s locked!”  
“That’s impossible, try harder!”  
“Keep… Keep calm, there’s no reason to panic.”

_Yet_ , I tell myself. I’m still crying. I don’t want to watch what Aiden’s doing, so I leave him to it. I sit myself in front of the house on the grass and try to calm down some more. My heart’s still pounding in my chest.   
After a while, when all I can hear is screaming from inside, I try to call Aiden back. _Enough, Aiden. I think they got the message_. But he doesn’t stop, he’s too angry. _Come on, let’s go_ , I try again.  
Finally he listens to me, and one after another the kids come running out, sobbing. I just stand there indifferently.

Kirstens Mom pulls up and runs to Kirsten. Nathan arrives, too.   
“Kirsten, my god, what happened?”  
“She tried to kill us! She’s the devil! She’s the devil!”  
Her mom hugs her to calm her down, and Nathan grabs me softly by the shoulders. “Come on, Jodie, let’s go home.” He doesn’t ask questions.


End file.
